I hadn’t seen her in years. The wonders of Facebook informed us that she and I were both in London and at the same time, I visiting my newly British in-laws, she, in her last year at RADA.
At a young age, Jill set her eyes on being an actress and pursued it to the umpteenth degree. To the envy aspiring starlets everywhere, she, at the time of our meeting, was on her third call back for Juliet at the Shakespeare Globe. I often wonder if Jill was primed from the get go, supremely talented, or just really god damn lucky. My inclination is that it’s was the talent part with a dash of the later two.
After a lunch reunion joined us right back to our teenage friendship, I asked her if she found RADA hard. It was after all the most competitive theater school in the world. Hard seems to be a logical fit. She frowned for a moment, before answering slowly.
“Well… some days are hard, but when you’re doing what you really love, it’s never hard, you want to do it everyday. Each day you have to confront yourself and that’s never easy, but I couldn’t be more happy doing anything else.”
Now this is not a profound answer. I would speculate that almost every individual that truly loves what they do could provide a similar one. But, it hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving a bruise that kept me thinking long after Jill and I kissed each other goodbye. Each time I caught it’s yellowy black presence out of the corner of my eye, I was reminded that I couldn’t remember the last time I had merely a week of consistent eagerness for the day. And c’mon folks, this past year, I graduated, got my first time full job, got engaged, planned a wedding and got married. And still not a week! Well, maybe my honeymoon… but I was in a glass cabin on white sand beach. Of course I was excited to wake up like every friggin’ morning… and for a variety of very legitimate reasons.
As a child, I can remember loosing time in activities, looking forward to certain hobbies with anticipation so intense that it muted all else around me. As a young adult, I spent less time trying to develop myself and more time trying to develop other people’s opinions of myself. My focus was on building, what I thought, was an ideal exterior. It took me a few growing pains to realize that this did nothing for my interior.
After meeting with Jill, it dawned on me, that I have spent so much time in the ‘make-up’, finding a career, passion, lifestyle, that other people would find successful, relevant, important that I misplaced my personal foundation of happiness.
Hard work, determination and drive are key in attaining ones goals. Just as important as continuing on after the inevitable failures. So I am left wondering how often a killer work ethic can go to work on something that does not satisfy you, that you’re not passionate about, that, when all is said and done, doesn’t really light your fire. And, if you can get past step one and actually recognize this then… how the fuck do you get back on track?
Please advise. Call me snobby but the I fear being spotted with "Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing: The Last Self Help Book You'll Ever Need!" or "Learning to Love Yourself" or "A New You. Awakening Your Life Purpose"... could be seriously psychologically damaging. Ok. Maybe that's a problem in it's self. But still.
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